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1994-03-08
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5KB
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106 lines
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WRITTEN BY GEARS - WRITTEN BY GEARS - WRITTEN BY GEARS
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<<<<<< BELIEVE IN THE MAGICAL POWER >>>>>>
ZIRCON BRING TO YOU THE BIG AND SWEATY ONE
******* THE WEIRD BIT - PART 4 ! *******
CALLING ALL PROTOPLASM EVERYWHERE.... THIS IS YOUR DESTINY !
COME FORTH AND READ!! YOU MAY NEVER EXPERIENCE ANYTHING LIKE
IT EVER AGAIN. THIS IS THE TEXT THAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING
FOR...... AND NOW IT'S WAITING FOR YOU.
THIS ARTICLE HAS WON THE AWARD FOR THE MAKING UP AWARDS.
IT HAS ALSO WON THE "HOW MUCH MONEY AM I GETTING FOR THIS?" AWARD
AND THE "IF I WANT TO CRITICISE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING I CAN" AWARD.
WE ARE ALSO THE HOLDER OF THE "SOD 'EM" POLICY
THIS ISSUE'S COMPETITION :- "GUESS THE INTESTINE !"
READERS WHO ARE OFFENDED EASILY CAN READ THIS TEXT...
BUTTOCKS !!! WHOOPS, SORRY..
HOW DAFT CAN YOU GET ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't think that there are many people who haven't heard of
the new fitness crazy which is currently sweeping the world. Yes,
I'm talking about those "Step" exercises. The "step" is just what
you'd expect a step to be. Except it costs about 60 quid. For all
our continental readers, that's about the price of an extra disk-drive.
Yes... Now..... That is all it is... a step.... people pay 60 squid for
a step. WHY DON'T THEY USE THE ONE'S THAT COME WITH THE HOUSE ?!?!!
(In case you hadn't noticed, I'm getting worked-up!) 60 QUID !!! 60
QUID !!! What is the point !!! Okay, so you can move it into your
lounge or whatever and watch the video that usually comes with it.
Why not use a few books ? 3 encyclopedias would be just as good and
probably wouldn't cost as much as the step.
YEEEEAHHHH FEEEEEEL IT !!!!! Damn !!! The batteries are flat again !!
I'll have to sit on the washing machine. SCCCCHCHHHHHHHHHHH....
-"And today we will be speaking to Dr. Johnson about computer
addiction and epilepsy.... Can computers really harm us Dr. Johnson ?"
="Why yes, of course they can."
-"How long would recommend people spend on their computers ?"
="No more than 2-3 hours a day."
-"What about computer operators who spend 9 to 10 hours a day answering
phone calls - don't they use computers for a longer ?"
="Well, they do take certain precautio...."
-"OH SHOVE IT....FACE IT KNOB-END.. YOU ONLY CAME ON HERE FOR THE MONEY..
YOU KNOW THAT IN THE FUTURE MOST PEOPLE WILL BE USING COMPUTER EQUIPMENT
OF SOME SORT... WHAT A TOSSER YOU ARE !"
="But we have had reported cases of epilepsy from video games.."
-"OOOHHH BOLLOX.. You know that it was just blown out of proportion by the
tabliods...."
="They did change that Pot Noodle advert after someone had suffered a..."
-"WHAT ABOUT MTV ? HAVE YOU SEEN SOME OF THE RAVE VIDEOS ON THAT ? HAVE
THEY EVER BEEN BANNED ? NO..."
="Ah... Well, I think ...."
-"OH FUCK THIS... EVERY BLOODY TALK-SHOW HAS TO HAVE SOMETHING ABOUT
BLOODY HARMFUL COMPUTERS... IT'S A LOAD OF COMPLETE BOLLOX AND I AIN'T
DOING THIS SHOW ANYMORE. MOST OF YOU DOCTORS THINK THAT KIDS ONLY USE
THERE STUPID LITTLE SNES FOR 30 MINUTES A DAY - GET A LIFE KNOB BRAIN -
OR PUT A POTATO IN YOUR Y-FRONTS !!! I'M OUTTA HERE...."
We now return you to our scheduled programming....
........yeah, so anyway....I told her that the chocolate was easier to
lick off when it had set.....no, she wanted to lick it off st.......
WOOOAHAAH !! Sorry ! Went slightly off course there... Never mind,
I'm back in control now. Sanity has been restored.
AND WE COME TO TAKE YA HIGHER !!!! CUM ON !!!! THIS GOES OUT TO ALL YOU
CRAZY PEOPLE OUT THERE !!!!!
There now follows a Government warning to women drivers who only use their
car once a week to do the shopping :-
" OI !!! LISTEN WOMEN !!! THE RIGHT LANE IS FOR TURNING RIGHT.... THE LEFT
LANE IS FOR LEFT AND STRAIGHT ON !!!! YOU DO N*O*T APPROACH IN THE LEFT
LANE AND THEN CHANGE TO THE RIGHT LANE HALF WAY ROUND THE ROUND-ABOUT. YOU
MUST ALSO REMEMBER TO I-N-D-C-A-T-E WHEN DECIDING TO TURN LEFT. YOU ALSO
HAVE TO LOOK AT THE BLOODY SPEED LIMIT... IF IT SAYS 30 YOU DO 40...
OKAY???!! NOT 20 BLOODY MILES PER BLOODY HOUR !!! NOW GO TAKE YOUR PONCY
LITTLE MINI METRO AND GO BACK TO BLOODY DRIVING SCHOOL !!!!"
That was a Government announcement.
And now....
The end....
Ha !
Gears 94